LEAN IN 15 (YEARS!)

Happy 2017 lovely readers – I hope you’ve had a fantastic Christmas and New Year filled with family, fun, food and festivities!!

NOW DROP AND GIVE ME 20!

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Because I saw you sneak that third slice of pudding with custard AND double cream and now you must be punished OK? At least that’s how I used to see New Years Day. One seriously big dose of guilt and self-loathing after weeks of eating and drinking with abandon, sometimes (but not always) served with a side of optimistic enthusiasm for the new me. The ‘definitely being good from today’ mentality that year after year guaranteed the same outcome – TOTAL FAILURE! Yup, whatever half-cocked new foodie hogwash was topping the Amazon book charts, it was in my basket quicker than you could say alkaline acai bowl. Sometimes, if I was feeling really enthusiastic I’d even treat myself to the celebrity endorsed fitness DVD de rigeur to ensure optimum success. Six-pack sorted.

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YOU, BUT BETTER

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Does anyone know what day it is ? Anyone? Christmas was on a Sunday, OK so Monday, Tue- it’s Tuesday! Definitely Tuesday. Oh no hang on, has it been two days or three?

Every year we have this weird week of not knowing much for certain, other than our bank accounts have been well and truly drained and our tummies have been well and truly stuffed. In a Quality Street-induced sugar coma we bumble our way through the post-Christmas fog, trying to find homes for the mountain of ‘stuff’ that has appeared and wondering how long until we can start boxing up the baubles and getting the house back into some sort of order.

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JANUARY – WHAT’S THE PLAN?

Poor January, year after year, following the festivities of Christmas and NYE high jinks (Prosecco. PJs. Sofa) we turn on you like a rabid dog. Our banks accounts drained, minds frazzled, bodies 50% shortcrust and soaked in booze, we stagger into the new year feeling less than impressed with ourselves. Let’s face it, January does not see us at our best. Then slowly, slowly we crawl through the first week usually contemplating The Plan. The Plan as we all know is not merely a new year’s resolution, no, no ,no. The Plan is a realistic, achievable, sensible goal. A lifestyle change. As soon as all the Quality Street have gone and supermarkets clear the posh mince pies for 37p (37p for a box of Heston’s??! Well you’d be mad not to. I’ll take 10 please.) Yes, after all that and once the kids are back at school, no messing, The Plan will commence. Basically, it’s a half-arsed excuse for not being able to face the thought of doing anything remotely virtuous until at least mid January, when hopefully people won’t notice you haven’t yet started to overhaul your finances/health/wardrobe etc etc.

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Of course the highlight, or lowlight as it were, is Blue Monday – BOOOOOOOOOO… (proper panto-season style please). Now I’ll be honest I’m not sure when Blue Monday became a thing. I first heard word of the ominous date being bandied about two or three years ago, when my brother informed me that his birthday was due to fall on the same day – DUN, DUN, DUHHHHHHHHHH! It falls on the third Monday in January in case you’re wondering and has something to do with being extra skint and having ditched The Plan to spend the evening eating a bargain bucket in your Lulu Lemon yoga pants.

So far, so meh. January may not be ideal, the weather alone is cause enough to write it off as a contender for ‘Month of the Year’, but like that first act on the X-Factor final, there’s a lot of pressure to open the show. It may not have the promise of Springtime or the bright blue skies of Summer (abroad), but credit where credit’s due, January is not all bad. Cue: 10 REASONS WHY JANUARY IS NOT ALL BAD

  1. Fresh Starts – There is definitely something in this, forgetting the resolutions, The Plans and the promises, January is the New Stationery of the year, just after you’ve taken the cellophane off and before the kids have has a chance to destroy it with a jumbo crayon.
  2. Routine – In a life before kids routine is not a word that holds much relevance unless say you’re a farmer, or an elite athlete or maybe a cheerleader. I’m none of those and so out of office hours I did pretty much what I liked, when I liked. Two little people later and I’m fully converted to a life routines. After the excitement (chaos) of the Christmas holidays I’m always happy to welcome the return of the Back to School routine. The Bedtime routine being the most challenging but ultimately rewarding of all. Oh, and as a result you’ll know exactly what day it is, without having to ask two other people who also aren’t entirely sure.
  3. A bigger house – Once the tree is down and the decorations are packed away, my house immediately appears at least 30% bigger.
  4. Sales – Let me finish! I don’t mean going into the actual shops, or camping outside NEXT, unless that sounds like fun to you in which case go for it. I mean if you can hold out until January for those highly impractical holographic stilettoes, chances are they’ll be in the sale. DO NOT check the price of any item you have purchased pre-sale unless it is still in the bag and you have the receipt, just don’t do it.
  5. The Boots Sale – No explanation necessary, I’m sure you’ll agree the euphoria of 70%  off a Sanctuary box set warrants a bullet point all to itself.
  6. Accessories – Winter accessories are the best. Massive scarves, beanies, leather gloves, ear muffs, whatever form of cosiness rocks your world, January is one big fluffy accessory-fest.
  7. Low Maintenance – I’m talking a day (or three) between leg shaving, thanks to my 40 denier friends. Ditto fake tanning, especially if you happen to be a pasty 5’3″ Irish lass. Oh and you might as well forget the lawn for a bit (the garden lawn!), you’ve got at least two more months before the trampoline dries out, otherwise I can’t think of any reason why anyone needs to venture out there.
  8. Holiday brochures! – In reality we’re doing school runs in the pi$$ing rain, but in our minds we’re lounging on a beach in St Lucia with a G&T. Yes, only 14 more years and we can finally book that child-free trip of a lifetime. Until then Haven holiday park here we come!!!!!!
  9. Good telly – I like a Christmas special but January is when the real corkers hit the schedule right? Anyone for a spot of Cumberba… er, I mean Sherlock?
  10. It might happen to be your big brother’s 40th birthday and you might go for a right good dinner at Duck & Waffle, or something else lovely like that, I’m sure you can think of ONE THING, come on, what is it?
dandw

 

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